Sunday, September 9, 2012

Pitch Polish -- Please Help With the Shiny

I know I need some help here...perhaps serious help. So hard to distill! Anyway, thought I'd hang it out there. I plan on visiting other blogs Monday. Thanks for any comments.

New, updated pitch, after all the lovely messages, I finally sat and worked at it. Thanks to everyone who commented!

Title: GODDESS IN THE MECHANICA
Genre: YA Paranormal Steampunk
Word Count:


Tess St. Cyr, a 16 year old orphan, who sees things that aren’t there, wants answers and vengeance, and yes, in that order – fostered to a theater family affords her neither. Then she receives an invitation to a marvelous school, run by a friend of her real parents, Miss Carmilla. Now, perhaps, she’ll get what she wants.

Sebastian James, 16, knows exactly who he is, or what he is: Nephilim. Now, if only he could forget it. He spent his time searching with his Air Pirate father for the fiend who used Sebastian’s powers to force information from friends of his father’s until he too receives an invitation to a special school.

Tess and Sebastian are like magnets, at times attracted and at others repelled. But as Tess starts to learn about her and her classmates’ strange biology – an experiment with oldgod artifacts and human babies – an artifact is stolen in front of the entire class. More experiments, or something worse? Just as the class starts to train for serious battle Tess find out a terrible secret of Sebastian’s and Miss Carmilla is kidnapped.

They both want to find the mad scientist responsible for the kidnapping and their fates. But can Tess forgive Sebastian long enough to work together to save Miss Carmilla, and possibly the world.   




    


Mr. Smyth had the job of driving me to my new school and residence. My foster parents said I should feel lucky, not about Mr. Smyth, with his rickety cart and OldHorse, but about the “opportunity” to attend this school. I felt anything but lucky at this moment, as I clutched the invitation – sweat and fear ruining it for any keepsake, and wondered, for the hundredth time, why they would want me.
We left behind a bustling thoroughfare and turned onto a desolate lane. Mr. Smyth slowed the horse to a stop at the only drive I saw, an enormous wrought iron gate barring the way.
I considered this closed gate and looked back at the equally closed Mr. Smyth, he nearly smiled, and then reached behind the bench, grabbed my bag and heaved it. I watched its graceful arc and hard landing at the gates. A good aim, that Mr. Smyth, I thought as I continued to sit and fidget with my skirts and invitation.

16 comments:

  1. Hi! Well, I think the gist of your story that I get from your query is very interesting, but I don't think your plot is coming across as strongly as it could, and it seems a little disjointed -- like the elements you have are not quite adding up. You talk about Tess going to a special school and meeting a boy, then there's something about her having the essence of Thor and his hammer getting stolen. I didn't get the connection there. The first paragraph could almost be from a contemporary YA novel, and the second paragraph is definitely fantasy. What does being at the school have to do with Thor's hammer? Is that where it's kept? Why? I think you can give a little more info about the school, the name of it gives some clue but not enough to really know why students go there and what they do there. Do they all have the essence of some god? Is Thor the only god? What does having a god's essence mean? (I'm not saying you need to answer all these questions in the query but I'm giving you an idea of the confusion that arose for me. If this is a world where gods are involved you can show that a little more to really give a feel for this world. I also don't think you need the first sentence of your query, not because it's bad, but because it doesn't add much and if anything you can elaborate on that when you mention the hammer being stolen. A query shouldn't give everything away but it can't be too vague, and I'm left with a lot of questions from yours. Who is the antagonist who steals the hammer and why? How does Tess know the hammer is the link to her parent's killer? Maybe also hint more at Sebastian's secret because "it will be the end of the world" is a very large, general statement, and overall you'd want to really zero in on the stakes of your novel.

    Overall a suggested query length is 250 words and yours is 165 so you definitely have some room to play with; you can flesh the query out some more.

    I liked your opening paragraphs, but when I read about the horse and cart I realized the setting of the book was different than what I was thinking after reading the query, so maybe there's a way you can make that clearer.

    Good luck with this! Hope I was helpful.

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    1. Oh thanks A.J. -- I realy needed this. I should have taken more time with the query, and now I will. The first go around I didn't have Sebastain's name in it!

      Thanks for taking the time to read through and comment. I apreciate it.

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  2. I agree with what AJ said too. I'm not getting a clear picture of what's going on. How is the world going to end? Who and why? I think we just need more information, and for things to be tied together better.

    Couple things.

    In the first sentence, I don't think the semi-colon is right. I'd use a period. I think it's a good hook though. You could take it or leave it. I'm not one of those people who thinks they need to have a one line hook that kinda sums up the story. But if you do, it has to be good.

    Get rid of the echo of certain. "she's certain it's a mistake, but she certainly" You can just delete certainly.

    Good luck.

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    1. Thanks Suzi, I spent my lunch hour looking at "how to write Queries." I wrote this one on the fly and it shows.

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  3. A young woman needs one thing to avenge her parents' death; an ancient artifact, stolen and in the hands of an evil genius.
    I love the concept in here, but it needs to be tightened up a little. I've written two books and both my MC's were foster kids. :)

    When fostered girl This should just be "foster" girl

    Tess O'Dell is invited to Miss Carmilla's School for Exceptional Girls and Above Average Boys, she's certain it's a mistake, but she certainly won't find the AirPirate who killed her parents by staying with her foster family. Yet, there's more for Tess to learn than that. Such as, why is fellow student Sebastian St. Cyr so infuriating and charming? And strange biology.

    The and "strange" biology feels tacked on. Plus, the introduction of a charming guy feels out of place right on top of mention of her parents being killed. I might change this to something like:

    A young woman needs one thing to avenge her parents' death; an ancient artifact, stolen and in the hands of an evil genius.

    When foster girl Tess O'Dell is invited to Miss Carmilla's School for Exceptional Girls and Above Average Boys, she's certain it's a mistake, but she certainly won't find the AirPirate who killed her parents by staying with her foster family. Deciding she has nothing to lose, she accepts the invitation and meets her fellow classmates--among them the infuriating, yet charming, Sebastian.


    Tess has the essence of the oldgod Thor, she knows it to be true, as she watches her hand meld to his hammer -- right before it's stolen. The wording throughout this sentence is kind of clunky. Maybe you could try something like:

    At the school Tess finds a shocking discovery--the hammer of the oldgod Thor. When she picks it up, his hammer melds to her hand. It turns out Tess possesses the essence of Thor. This could be a great help in her quest to find her parents killer but, before she can learn how to utilize the power of the hammer, its stolen.

    And after she has a vision: If she finds the hammer she finds the killer. This felt a little awkward too. Maybe something like:

    To her surprise, a vision shows her the truth: if she finds the hammer, she finds the killer.

    Tess enlists the help of some of her classmates, including Sebastian. And when Sebastian's own terrible secret is revealed not only does it break Tess's heart it may mean the end of the world.

    The last part about Sebastian felt really tacked on. I thought it could be incorporated a bit more smoothly. My suggestion would be something like:

    Tess enlists the help of some of her classmates, including Sebastian. Little does she know Sebastian has his own secrets. If its revealed, not only could it break Tess's heart, it could mean the end of the world.

    That would be my suggestion on how to word that, but I also think you need to touch more on what Sebastian's secret is. We go from the hunt for her parents killer, to her possessing the essence of Thor, to Sebastian's secret ruining the world. His secret doesn't seem to tie in as well as the rest of the query.

    I think if we had more of a lead in it would work better. Is his secret tied to her hunt for her parents killer? That would be a smooth way to fit it in. It's hard for me to say, because I don't know the story.

    I thought that the first 150 were really strong. My only suggestion about that would be to change this to two sentences.
    IE:...considered this closed gate and looked back at the equally closed Mr. Smyth. He nearly smiled, and then reached behind the bench, grabbed my bag and heaved it.

    Good luck with this. Hope I was able to help. Queries are such a pain, aren't they? I think I finally got mine right, but I could use some confirmation. I'd really appreciate it if you could stop over my blog and take a look?

    Hope you do well in GUTGAA. I hadn't seen your blog before, but I'm glad I got over here. I'm always looking for new writer friends so you have a new follower :)

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  4. Really good ideas, thank you Tamera. Some of your suggestions are spot on, while some sounded great, but weren't in my story! So I can see how vague I was. I'll be sure and stop by! Thanks again.

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  5. For me, Tamara nailed it. I really enjoyed the premise and I think you have a ton of great bones. Queries are always super hard for me. And nothing is worse than a synopsis! I'm wishing you a ton of luck. If I had success in the area I'd offer assistance but I'm a sitcom writer so I'm in a different world.

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    1. Sitcom writer! How awesome is that? Hey, just stopping by means a lot -- plus you told me I had some good bones. I'm taking everything in and will try writing a new query tomorrow. Thanks for stopping by Jen.

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  6. The story line is interesting-I want to know how the girl succeeds.

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  7. I can see a really great story in the making! Well, I'm sure it's already "made" but I only see the first 150 words.

    I think you could add some details to the query that would answer some of the questions, like why the hammer is stolen. And after she has a vision, what? And it may be a good idea to mention the visions earlier in the query so that it doesn't sound like they happen all of a sudden. I am assuming the visions is what makes her eligible to attend this school?

    I think I would really enjoy reading this story. Once you nail the query, your worries will be over. I have the same problem. Just between you and me, queries are evil and mean. Yes. They are:)

    Nice to meet you through GUTGAA. I wish you the best of luck. Talynn

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    1. Hahaha...evil and mean, I love it. But you're right! Thank you Talynn.

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  8. Hi! I just posted on your Meet & Greet. I don't want to repeat comments since you have some great feedback already. As a suggestion, take stock of everything and think it over, maybe make a couple new query drafts and see what works best. I know it can feel overwhelming when people suggest conflicting edits.

    I think you should name your character in the first line or take out that line entirely and begin with the second paragraph. Every line counts and you want to get in as much information as you can while also not listing out the whole plot like a synopsis (I know, not easy!). That first line in paragraph 2 has lots of good stuff, but watch for repeating words and concepts. In such a short space you don't want to use the same word over again (like certain/ certainly). I am also curious, why is she certain it's a mistake she's accepted into the school? I think it would work better to finish that thought first, then create a new sentence that talks about the air pirates taking her parents. Or, if the reason she is accepted to the school isn't critical to the query, take it out.

    The phrase "has the essence of the oldgod Thor," is a little vague. I would suggest replacing "has" with something more active like inherits or is given by [who] which gives more context. Why does she have this? I think you need a little more context between this and finding the air pirate killer, how these relate. You can reduce unnecessary words like "of some of her classmates," and just say "classmates" or just say Sebastian if he is critical to the story. The last line is vague; show how Sebastian's secret is a threat to Tessa's journey to find the killer. How does it threaten her quest and the world?

    Keep in mind what the main conflict is and what the character's stakes are in solving that. What gets in the way of her quest? Name that and be specific.

    I'm still working on my own query, which is far from perfect, so please know this advice comes from a lot of feedback I've gotten on my own pitch and query. Best of luck to you!

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    1. Thank you, I almost feel like maybe I have too many things...I've got the main conflict down -- Throwing it all out and starting from scratch! I agree, I need to get rid of the first sentence. I think another problem is using language from the book which is a little different than our own, like oldgod and OldHorse and fostered. So, maybe nix on those as well...

      Thanks for your help Stephsco.

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  9. DEAR (QUERY LETTERS MUST BE PROFESSIONAL, SO "HI" WON'T WORK) Agent Name,

    A young woman WE NEED TESS NAMED HERE, POSSIBLY WITH HER AGE. needs one thing to avenge her parents' death: <--COLON, NOT SEMI-COLON HERE. A STOLEN artifact, CURRENTLY IN AN EVIL GENIUS'S HANDS. <--DIRECT = MORE IMPACT.

    HMM... THIS SUDDEN JUMP TO SCHOOL STUFF THREW ME. SINCE THIS FEELS LIKE THE START OF YOUR STORY, I'D SUGGEST YOU START SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE AND WORK IN THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH. When fostered girl Tess O'Dell is invited to Miss Carmilla's School for Exceptional Girls and Above Average Boys, she's certain it's a mistake, but she DEFINITELY won't find the AirPirate who killed her parents by staying with her foster family. WHAT MAKES HER THINK THAT THE SCHOOL WILL HELP? Yet, there's more for Tess to learn than that WHAT?. Such as, why is fellow student Sebastian St. Cyr so infuriating and charming? THIS FEELS STRANGE TO READ. GIVEN HER GOAL OF REVENGE, I DON'T SEE WHY SHE'D CARE ABOUT SEBASTIAN BEYOND: "UGH HE'S SO IRKSOME!" And strange biology.<--WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT CLEARER IN THIS PARAGRAPH. IT JUMPS AROUND TOO MUCH FOR ME TO MAKE MUCH SENSE OF IT.

    Tess has the essence of the oldgod Thor OKAY, BUT WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THIS ALREADY BY NOW., she knows it to be true,<--THIS SECTION CAN GO. as she watches her hand meld to his hammer -- right before it's stolen. I THINK ONLY THE HAMMER BEING STOLEN IS IMPORTANT FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS QUERY. SHE has a vision OF FINDING THE KILLER WITH THE HAMMER, SO Tess enlists the help of some of her classmates, including Sebastian. And when Sebastian's own terrible secret is revealed COMMA not only does it break Tess's heart COMMA it may mean the end of the world.

    YOUR STORY SOUNDS REALLY INTERESTING, BUT YOUR QUERY HAS TOO MUCH GOING ON. YOU NEED CHOOSE A MAIN STORYLINE AND STICK TO IT SO THAT YOU CAN INTRODUCE THE CHARACTER, STATE HER GOAL, WHAT'S KEEPING HER FROM THEM, AND WHAT'S AT STAKE. YOU CAN'T MIX AND MATCH THESE FROM MORE THAN ONE STORYLINE, UNLESS THERE'S A DIRECT LINK BEFORE THEM. REMEMBER: QUERIES ARE THE FIRST TEST OF STORY-TELLING ABILITY, SO IT NEEDS TO TELL SOME SORT OF STORY. IN SOMETHING CLOSE TO THE MC'S VOICE.

    I have worked for Hennepin County Library for the last 15 years, and was a contributing editor for Romance B(u)y the Book for 2 years: RBTB . Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Regards,
    Amy Kennedy
    blog
    email address
    phone number

    I hope you found my crit useful!

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  10. Hi Amy,
    I already critiqued this (I'm sure you saw my book-long comment up top haha) I just wanted to make sure you know that I tagged you in GUTGAA's tag game. Just visit my blog, copy the questions and tag someone else. :) Have fun!

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