For week 4 of Gearing up to Get an Agent we're posting the first 200 words of our manuscript...I have started this in so many places, I no longer know what makes sense. Here's the first 200 words of my YA steampunk romance:
I was alone in the attic bedroom. That wasn't entirely true, I had the skitterings of Aurora in the eaves to keep me company. My foster sisters were performing in the production tonight so they would not be along to for another few hours. I hadn't felt well earlier and was excused from my duties as second stage-hand. I didn't act or sing, my foster parents said acting was not my cup of tea -- what they meant was, I had no talent for it. It's not the life for you, they'd say.
It's alright, I didn't care for the theatre, I only cared for the corner of the Mississippi I could see with my distance goggles through my bedroom window. Every moment That could be spared I me eyes were on that bend. One day soon, I would see the AirPirate ship that carried the Captain who was responsible for my parents' death.
If only I knew what I would do after I spied the ship. It's not as if I could call him out for a duel. I might be able to tinker a bomb...but, that was no good, I only wanted vengeance on the Captain not the whole crew.
I'm just going to edit and go through how I would for a crit partner. Unfortuately when I copied my doc with track changes they didn't show up here - only the changes. Hope this makes sense - I just tried to smooth out the first couple of lines. We learn a lot about Aurora and her situation right off the bat. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI was alone in the attic bedroom. Well, almost. Aurora, skittering in the eaves, kept me company. My foster sisters were performing in the production tonight so they would not be along to for another few hours. I hadn't felt well earlier and was excused from my duties as second stage-hand. I didn't act or sing, my foster parents said acting was not my cup of tea -- what they meant was, I had no talent for it. It's not the life for you, they'd say.
It was all right, I didn't care for the theatre anyway. I only cared for the corner of the Mississippi River I could see with my distance goggles through my bedroom window. Every moment hat could be spared, my eyes were on that bend. One day soon, I would see the AirPirate ship that carried (commanded by?) the Captain who was responsible for my parent’s death.
If only I knew what I would do after I spied the ship. It's not as if I could call him out for a duel. I might be able to tinker a bomb...but, that was no good, I only wanted vengeance on the Captain not the whole crew.
I absolutely love the idea of a teenage (girl?) calling a pirate out for a duel:) I would totally read on just to see what happens. Great hook!
ReplyDeleteI had a few questions, and if these are addressed latter I think no big deal--you can't get everything into the first 200 words.
Like I hinted I was unsure about the sex of the MC, but I'm guessing you clear that up soon. You could easily drop her name into the beginning, _____, it's not the life for you.
When I first read Aurora, I thought it was the lights of Aurora Borealis. In fact I'm still not sure what or who Aurora is. Mouse? Cat?
I thought that Mississippi was the name of the AirPirate ship. I assumed that since this is steampunk an AirPirate ship is some kind of dirigible, not a ship that floats.
I was just a little confused, but like I said you had such a great hook I would read on and hope my questions would be answered.
Hi Amy,
ReplyDeleteGoing with Jaye's unobtrusive changes, I'll add that you might not need all that foster sister/not the acting type set-up in the very opening lines. Maybe just the first line "My foster sisters were performing..." so we know a bit more about the MC but don't get bogged down by too much out-of-scene detail yet.
Aurora skittering around in the eaves?? Love!! But who is this? A word or two more about Aurora would be nice.
I wanted to know how often she was up here, gazing out that window, too.
Intriguing start! Would like to know what happens next.
--Lora
Hi Amy:
ReplyDelete200 words is soo short! I know you'll answer my questions later but do agree with the others about Aurora. If you could hint what she is - guessing an animal but I have no idea how big the eaves are so she could be a person. I hope she's a bat. :)) If an animal, a mention of what she looks like - (leathery wings??) would be great.
Your first sentence could be reworked. You say she's alone but immediately contradict. Maybe find a way to integrate them - I was alone except for Aurora skittering about...etc.
I'd also punch up the last sentence. She wants to kill the captain...but not the whole crew. You show us her need for revenge but she immediately tempers it. It makes her character sound wishy-washy, IMHO, altho I'm guessing you're going for compassionate? Either she's burning for revenge for she isn't. No idea how to fix that but, again, that's all my opinion. You'll do what's right for your MS! Good luck!
The previous comments have said it all so perfectly, I'll just add that I agree--but I'm also very hooked.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I've left a response to your comment on Bird's-eye View, http://michellefayard.blogspot.com/2011/07/blogfest-first-200-words-contest.html.
I'm intrigued by this and want to know more. Everything I was going to say has been said before.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work. Good luck!
I think everything I wanted to say has already been said... I'd like to know who or what Aurora is. For a moment I thought it might be the sisters, but why would they share one name?
ReplyDeleteAlso,watch for typos. I found a few in the second paragraph...
Thanks everyone! In my original, Aurora drops from the eaves on a filament -- she is a clockwork spider that Tess (MC's name -- really need to add that) made. The changes mentioned are easy -- thanks, it's so funny that I can't see things right in front of me.
ReplyDeleteThis is not where the majority of the book takes place though -- the book's main story is at the school she'll soon be attending...which is where I originally started the story. I guess I wanted to show her "normal" world.
I love the idea of a YS steampunk. But steampunk storytelling is thick and sweet and dirty and gadgety. I didn't get this feel at all -- nothing except her goggles and the Air Pirates made this feel steampunk ... and even those were too little too late. Differentiate this story with more details. Whirring gadgets, tight corsets, oddly placed hats, etc. She's i nthe attic -- are there dress forms and dusty gizmos? Kill that whole acting partand go with more steampunk-y details!! SET THE SCENE!
ReplyDeletePS -- I love that Aurora isn't explained. I think that's mysterious and fun. Explain her later.
ReplyDeleteI love steampunk! I was definitely hooked. One nitpicky think - alright should be all right.
ReplyDeleteI am totally behind every word Amber said. Also, I like how you contradict yourself at the beginning. It's real personality. "I'm alone. Well, I guess I'm not" That's honest to me.
ReplyDeleteAmber, perhaps I should have called it "Gaslamp" and not Steampunk. I know there are ranges in Steampunk, yet, maybe I should "re-genre" it.
ReplyDeleteThanks to Nicole and everyone who pointed out the alright/all right. Such a silly mistake!
Thanks Laura -- Because Aurora isn't human or animal, she is thinking herself alone (thanks for seeing that)
JRo -- I think your changes are solid. Thank you.
Angie -- yes! Let people know she's a girl!And now that JRo suggested "Mississippi River," everyone will know it's a river!
Lora-- I wondered about that too, it's always a crap shoot on backstory, thanks.
Melodie -- you're right, she does come off wishy-washy, don't want that. thanks.
Michelle -- thanks for being hooked.
Christine -- since everyone seems to agree, I will take these suggestions and run with them.
Kate -- sorry about the confusion w/Aurora. And I see the typos...now. Thanks
This is very intriguing! I don't have anything to add to the other comments. I'd read on!!
ReplyDeleteThe last lines here really intrigued me and I'd love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI found the "skitterings of Aurora in the eaves" interesting, but wanted to know what it meant.
I also wondered whether all this background is needed right at the beginning: "My foster sisters were performing...It's not the life for you, they'd say." I did like knowing that the character didn't have the same interests as the rest of her family, maybe this could be condensed a litte?
I loved the paragraph with the binoculars, and thought your narrator had a very individual voice which suited the genre of the story. And I loved knowing her story goal right off the bat.
Good luck with the contest!
Thanks Alexia!
ReplyDeleteAndrea -- I'm changing it! We'll know more about Aurora and less about the backstory. And thank you for your lovely comments.
I like it!
ReplyDeleteThe only bit that bothers me a little is the very beginning. Telling me one thing, then immediately contradicting yourself. I'd prefer something like "I was almost alone in the attic bedroom, only the skitterings of Aurora's eight metal legs in the eaves to keep me company."
I find it interesting that, while we both write steampunk, our choices of world to write in are completely different. That's one of the things I really enjoy about the genre, it's nowhere near as homogeneous as High Fantasy, and not as rigid as Science Fiction.
Looks like you've received some great advice, so I have nothing to add there. I'm in love with the premise of this book (read your query) and can't wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteWow, I LOVE this! My new favorite genre is Steampunk, I can't get enough. I already adore your main character :) The other comments have said it all as far as editing goes, great job with this!!
ReplyDelete~K.V. Briar
Mark -- "eight metal legs," exactly what I was going to change it to, and I think I'll use your idea. Thanks. I know what you mean, there are so many 'shades' to the Steampunk genre. It's why I love it.
ReplyDeletelindy -- I'm so glad you like the premise, it seems all I'm doing these days is second guessing everything.
K.V. -- Thank you! That means a lot.
Well -- I think I'm ready to re-write, thanks to everyone!
Hi Amy! I'm glad you are throwing in a bit more about Aurora, as this was the only part of the opener that confused me. Otherwise, I loved the distance goggles, the air pirate ship... I've never read steampunk before, but your first 200 words make me feel like I would definitely like it!
ReplyDeleteGreat start and it looks like you have some good ideas. I have a lot of the similar complaints as mentioned above. More gadgets to setup the world. and the contradiction at the first. Great job I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDelete