Okay, here it is...I know it needs work -- lots o' work -- just wanted to get it up. Yikes!
Dear Dream Agent's Name,
In a time of gaslit streets how can a young woman hope to avenge her parents' death?
Finding out you're the descendant of Thor is a good start. Having the power to seek out the AirPirate responsible for their deaths is brilliant. Retrieving the legendary hammer from a Mad Genius might be daunting. And learning your almost boyfriend was instrumental in your parents' death might very well be debilitating.
Tess O'Dell has a wonderful opportunity to attend Miss Carmila's School for Exceptional Young People. At the school she copes with discovering her true identity, a best friend and a strong attraction to a mysterious boy; Sebastian St. Camael.
Sebastian has his own problems. Raised by pirates, yet born a true Angel he and his adoptive father are used in a cruel plot causing the deaths of Tess's parents. Unknown to each other by their twisted relationship, Tess and Sebastian meet at school.
Betwixt is a Young Adult Steampunk Romance, set in St. Paul, Minnesota on the Mississippi in 1869. This is my first Young Adult novel.
Thank you for time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Amy Kennedy
Dear Dream Agent's Name,
In a time of gaslit streets how can a young woman hope to avenge her parents' death?
Finding out you're the descendant of Thor is a good start. Having the power to seek out the AirPirate responsible for their deaths is brilliant. Retrieving the legendary hammer from a Mad Genius might be daunting. And learning your almost boyfriend was instrumental in your parents' death might very well be debilitating.
Tess O'Dell has a wonderful opportunity to attend Miss Carmila's School for Exceptional Young People. At the school she copes with discovering her true identity, a best friend and a strong attraction to a mysterious boy; Sebastian St. Camael.
Sebastian has his own problems. Raised by pirates, yet born a true Angel he and his adoptive father are used in a cruel plot causing the deaths of Tess's parents. Unknown to each other by their twisted relationship, Tess and Sebastian meet at school.
Betwixt is a Young Adult Steampunk Romance, set in St. Paul, Minnesota on the Mississippi in 1869. This is my first Young Adult novel.
Thank you for time, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Amy Kennedy
Hi Amy,
ReplyDeleteNew follower here. Firstly, I also asked about having a question to open the query as I had read it was a no-no. Unfortunately, this is what I had done first time around. See here:
http://freyamorris.blogspot.com/
This reminds me a bit of The Lightening Thief film (which was also a book) - not sure if that's a good or bad thing but worth knowing.
Actually, you do alot of things that I did in my query so might be worth reading all my blog comments. How similar they are...
Best of luck!
Hi, Amy,
ReplyDeleteMy comments are in parentheses, all caps:
In a time of gaslit streets(COMMA) how can a young woman hope to avenge her parents' death? (I BOTH DO AND DON'T LIKE THIS. I LIKE THAT IT SETS THE TIME PERIOD AND SHOWS A GRIPPING CONFLICT, BUT IT ALMOST FEELS AS IF THERE'S TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON THE GASLIT STREETS PART, WHEN I WANTED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE "AVENGE HER PARENT'S DEATH" PART. :)
Finding out you're the descendant of Thor is a good start. Having the power to seek out the AirPirate responsible for their deaths is (brilliant=THIS WORD JARRED ME). Retrieving the legendary hammer from (a=THE) Mad Genius might be daunting. (And learning your almost boyfriend was instrumental in your parents' death might very well be debilitating.=THIS IS THE GRAPH'S STRONGEST SENTENCE.)
Tess O'Dell (I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE THE NAME IN THE FIRST GRAPH) has a wonderful opportunity to attend Miss Carmila's School for Exceptional Young People. At the school she copes with discovering her true identity, a best friend and a strong attraction to a mysterious boy; Sebastian St. Camael. (COULD CUT THIS GRAPH.)
Sebastian has his own problems. Raised by pirates, yet born a true Angel he and his adoptive father are used in a cruel plot causing the deaths of Tess's parents. Unknown to each other by their twisted relationship, Tess and Sebastian meet at school. (COULD CUT THIS GRAPH.)
Betwixt (PUT TITLE IN ALL CAPS) is a (Young Adult=LOWERCASE) (Steampunk Romance=LOWERCASE), set in St. Paul, Minnesota(COMMA) on the Mississippi in 1869. (This is my first Young Adult novel.=DELETE)
(INSERT GRAPH OF WHY YOU'RE THE BEST PERSON TO WRITE THIS BOOK.)
Thank you for time, and I look forward to hearing from you. (NICE)
(VICTORIAN FANTASY--NOW THAT'S A NEW ONE TO ME AND QUITE INTERESTING.)
Michelle
P.S. I'm a new follower. :)
Hi Amy:
ReplyDeleteI was confused by your first sentence - what do gaslit streets have to do with revenge? People have gotten revenge since Cain killed Abel.
And I couldn't see a connection between the first and second paragraphs. You have a great start on your Q w/ this graph, which explained your story but was from another part of your blog: A young woman thinks she needs one thing to avenge her parents' death: an ancient artifact, stolen and in the hands of an evil genius. With help from her classmates, she must retreive the artifact, save the world, and exact her revenge.
I'd use this as your main idea, fill in the setting, the love interest conflict using very active verbs and go from there.
Good luck!
Freya, thanks for the follow and the good advice, while not trying to make excuses, I was so tired when I started to write this -- of course I didn't plan, I signed up for the link on Deanna's blog BEFORE I wrote it. Yikes. Then I scrambled! So thank you, I'll pop over to your place.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, thanks also for the follow -- really good direct advice. Thanks so much -- I'm going directly to both your places.
Thanks for the input Melodie -- I think the message I was trying to convey (yet didn't) was before the turn of the 20th century women had little power, and an orphan even less.
ReplyDeleteBut I do think you're right, the part you quoted is my tagline, and it does get to the meat of it.
Thanks
Hi Amy ~ For me, your first paragraph is actually your starting point. It names your MC, gives her choice (the school) and her crisis (falling for Sebastian).
ReplyDeleteI would cut the rhetorical quesiton altogether, put the 3rd graph as the 1st and then rework/reword the 2nd graph and move it down.
See what you think of that. :)
I love steampunk. And your story sounds like such a cool fusion of ideas :)
ReplyDeleteLike others said I would start off with your MC and what she has to face. Give me the conflict. I couldn’t really tell from the query what was. Leave out all backstory and give me the plot.
What does Tess face? What is the catalyst that propels Tess into the conflict? What will happen if the conflict isn’t resolved?
Author Elana Johnson—founder of querytraker—has a great blog about writing queries that helped me tons: http://elanajohnson.blogspot.com/p/writing-query-letter.html
She has great tips on how focus a query.
Also you need to give the agent a word count. Good Luck. I’m rooting for you.
Hi, I’m a new follower through Deana’s Blogfest.
ReplyDeleteDoes she know who is responsible for her parents' deaths? I'd think the power of Thor would be good for vegeance against a superior enemy, but not that good for detective work. Not clear which she needs.
The structure of the good start/brilliant/daunting paragraph is a nice idea but I don't think it quite worked. The rhythm seemed off to me.
"Raised by pirates, yet born a true Angel" - not sure what this means.
"Unknown to each other by their twisted relationship" - read awkwardly. I would suggest 'Unaware of their twisted relationship...'
i think the premise is clear, but I would want to know more of the story. what is she planning to do? What's stopping her?
Mood
My query is at: Moody Writing
@mooderino
Angie, thanks for the kind words -- I'll check out Elana Johnson.
ReplyDeleteMooderino, I think I've given too much unnecessary info and not enough key info. Thank you.
Marcie, ahh, I see what you mean.
This has been so helpful -- now if I can cull the info and infuse it into my brain I'll be golden.
Hi :) OK, here are my comments:
ReplyDelete1.) take out that you're a new author. The agent doesn't need to know that AT ALL.
2.) pay close attention to punctuation and how this would read aloud. The first graph is way choppy with too many small sentences.
3.) the thrid graph kinda comes out of nowhere. i suggest either cutting it or trying to work that info into the other plot points.
I've never read a YA steampunk -- and I love the idea of AirPirates :)
Hey Amy!
ReplyDeleteThis book sounds really interesting. I have always wondered what stempunk meant and I am happy to realize I've read some of these before:)
Ok, so the first sentence: I like that you have the gaslit streets part because it helps us know the time period, but the sentence as a whole to me doesn't seem to fit together.
Love the middle!
The last paragraph falls a little short for me. It kind of sounds like it ends before it is supposed to.
So that's it:) Oh and Elana Johnson is awesome!
If you want to submit your final for the contest, have it emailed to me by 12pm ET Tuesday.
Good luck!
D
Hi there!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I think your premise is intriguing, but I think your query needs some more meet. What are the stakes here for Sebastian and Tess? I'd like to see more showing, the first paragraph tells a lot but it does not show me how Tess moves through those things. And be careful of name dropping, agents tend to get glassy eyed when there are too many names: Tess, Thor, Mad Genius, Miss Carmila's school, Sebastian, AirPirate, Angel...try to eliminate or re-word some so you can allude to them without having to name them outright.
Hi Amy! I'm a new follower via Deana's blogfest.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I want to qualify any comments I make by saying I've never read this genre and it feels a little like a foreign language to me, but I can comment on if it makes sense to me as a reader.
One of your commenters asked about the gaslit streets, but I think that it's to give a certain feel for the time this story takes place.
Most query readers can read into these clues, so no worry there. What I do worry about is opening a query with a question, rhetorical or otherwise. I, too, have heard this is a big mistake.
What my commenters have stressed is the importance of diving straight into the core of the conflict and leaving all the threads of the other stuff behind. All that stuff in your second paragraph about AirPirates and whatnot just confused the heck out of me. It felt a little like throwing things at a wall and seeing what sticks. Could very well be that I'm clueless about the genre, but even so, it should make sense within context.
So I think you should be diving into the romance and trickle in a few of those previous details where relevant to the conflict. The order you present the info has to make sense in how it relates to the story as a whole and that was the one thing that it didn't do for me.
Having said all that, if that's what steampunk is all about, how very cool and interesting! Such creative thinking! Good luck, I wish you all the best.
Don't start with a question. Most agents hate that. You do have a great voice that shines through, and this sounds like an interesting read.
ReplyDeleteI agree to take out the open-ended question and the "this is my first novel" line. I'd rather meet Tess earlier. I would get rid of the first paragraph, move the third paragraph up to the first and then add some of the second paragraph into it.
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence before your bio should be a line that makes us want to read more. The line about meeting at school doesn't do that for me.
Hope this was helpful! Good luck and I'm a new follower!
Everyone has been so helpful -- I hope I can get this polished and sent to Deanna...
ReplyDeleteAmber:Thanks -- am cutting as we speak -- so to speak.
Deanna:Thanks for your help, I'm going to try, worked till 8:15 tonight and have a meeting in the a.m. Fingers crossed.
A.E: Of course, too many names. Slaps forehead.
Nancy: Had to laugh about throwing things at a wall to see what sticks, I may have been doing that. D'oh!
Nicole: Thanks for the nice words -- boy, do I have the no question thing down now!
Laura: Thanks for the good advice -- you're right, I have to make the meeting zing more.
Thanks for all the follows!
Wonderful story hidden in this query. Looks like you received a lot of good advice (as did I!) to make it work. Best of luck to you & I'll follow your blog . . . been meaning to get into Steampunk:)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jamie! I just have to boil it all down -- don't know if I'll get a finished product to Deanna today, but I sure will know how to write a query!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds fascinating, but I'm not sure what the story is about. You start with her wanting to avenge her parents death but then sort of wander away from it by focusing on the mysterious boy instead. I'd cut his pov from the query entirely b/c what you reveal there doesn't feel like crucial information and, from what I've read, agents generally prefer queries to stick with one character regardless of alternating points of view. Unless done well, of course, and I'm note sure it's done well here. B/c, like I said, I'm unclear as to what this book is actually about.
ReplyDeleteStill, I think the idea itself is intriguing and I'd read more to find out about Tess and this school for exceptional young people :)
Sort of a random concern - using the word "boyfriend" in a query about the Victorian era makes me wonder if it's also going to involve some anachronistic elements (which could be totally cool), but may be an unnecessary point of confusion from a query reader's standpoint. I'd use something more old-timey to go along with the tone of the rest of the query. (Suitor? Beau? I don't know.)
ReplyDeleteThis story sounds super cool! And I love the voice in this query!
ReplyDeleteA few things: Supposedly agents hate questions in queries, so I strongly advise against the first sentence being a question. How about something like:
When Tess O'Dell sets out to avenge her parents' death, she's in for a few surprises....
I love the parts after that! Awesome paragraph.
I felt a disconnect between the first and second paragraphs, and the flow seemed a little broken up. Here's a suggestion:
"Everything was going fine since she got the opportunity to attend Miss Carmila's School for Exceptional Young People. But discovering her true identity is a lot to cope with, not to mention a strong attraction to the mysterious Sebastian St. Camael.
As for Sebastian, he has his own problems. Raised by pirates, yet born a true Angel, he and his adoptive father are used in a cruel plot that caused the deaths of Tess's parents. But neither Tess or Sebastian figure this out before they start to fall for each other."
Then you need to tie up the ending with something about the avenging stuff. And don't mention it's your first book.
I really like this! Good luck!
Lori -- I'm pretty sure it's NOT done well here. LOL. And you're right, need to focus. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteRue -- D'oh! Of course and thank you.
Alexia -- Umm, so if my finished query sounds a lot like what you write, you won't be mad at me, will you?